People, Please! Like me!!

Who are you when you are not trying to win the approval of others?

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I guess most of us people-please to an extent. Some of us just a tiny bit, others a whole lot more.

This is my perspective as someone on the latter end of the spectrum.

As someone who finds it hard to say no, hard to think of themselves.

Always on the back burner. And wondering why she has no energy.

Or no direction.

Or no identity?

If all our self-worth is built on being liked by others, we have no chance to be truly ourselves.

Like a chameleon, we are able to adjust to other people’s preferences, but in playing that game, we fail to develop our own.

Because, when would we manage to do that? So many people to please, and so little time.

We end up overlooking our needs, and our priorities. Which make up so much of what we are.

In the end, we do this because we don't want to be left behind, to be disliked. We are after people's affection and approval because we don’t want to be alone.

Which is probably an innate fear - in the past, survival was way more likely as a part of a tribe than on your own. And while not being completely alone is still beneficial for us in the current age, it is less a question of survival.

Yet it seems some of us didn’t get the memo.

We’d go out of our way and burn ourselves out hoping one more person likes us.

This is a double-edged sword.

Sometimes, when we say yes instead of no, we hope the other person will catch on. And when they don't (which is completely normal, how could they), we may build up resentment towards them.

But in the end, the most resentment that builds up is to ourselves.

We rationally know we do not have time for that lunch, or for taking on an extra project.

And, we won't usually accept these at the expense of plans made with other people. No, it is usually at the expense of plans we had with ourselves - to rest, to write, to spend time on hobbies.

Sure, it is a multi-layered problem.

We say yes to a lunch, partly because we don't want to disappoint our friends (read: because we don’t want to remain without friends). Partly because of FOMO - what if this is the best afternoon out and then everyone has experienced it but us. And partly because the plans we made with ourselves can be daunting and we'd rather procrastinate on them.

We believe we are being just incredibly nice, but in the end, we are acting in this way for ourselves, not for others.

We are walking around, trying to please everyone less because we want to accommodate their needs above all else, and more because we are striving not to be left all on our own.

This is hardly a conscious decision. It is our coping mechanism for ensuring we have people in our corner.

But we have to realise that as much as we may gain the approval of others, if we don't approve of ourselves, this will never be enough.

Anything we receive from others depends on factors outside of our control. If we hang all of our self-worth on that, we are in for suffering.

We need to make the time and effort to please ourselves.

Look for evidence that makes you worthy to yourself, no matter what the others will think.

Because, the hardest lesson that you eventually learn, is that going above and beyond to please others in the hopes of not being left behind, you leave yourself behind.

Please, like yourself.

Everyone else will like you all the more for it.